Sometimes things just seem to happen for a reason

Last week Diggitty was apparently gravely ill & I truly though he'd have to be put to sleep. My post, on reading back is somewhat embarassing, but it had to be written to get the thoughts out so that I could sleep that night. But I think that my experience with him & my thoughts that I put on here that night helped me really think through what I wanted for my dog, and in doing that, I have been able to help David with his own thought processes & emotions.

And now, tonight, I feel compelled to write again, in order that I might sleep peacefully tonight.

Today we took our beloved dog to the vet to be put to sleep. Only it wasn't Diggitty. He has made a miraculous, complete recovery.

Today we took our beloved dog Angel to the vet to be put to sleep. Below are the details of what we've experienced since last night. It will probably be long, and somewhat boring, but I feel compelled to write it, to not forget it, and to 'get it out', so that I can sleep tonight.

Last night just before 11pm, whilst watching Heroes DVD, David & I heard scrabbling on the paving outside & thought Angel must be having a really good back rub on the door mat. And we looked outside to see her having a fit. I immediately went to her & patted her & spoke calmly to her & told her she was safe & loved. As soon as David saw how I was handling her, he followed suit. She could hear us & responded. After the seizure had passed she got up & started walking, pacing, around the patio & futher around the backyard. We stayed up with her for another hour or so, and there was no change. We thought she may have had a stroke as she started to drag her left back paw. She did not seem too distressed, aside from the pacing, which we assumed was because of her brain maybe short-circuiting. We did a little googling to see about canine seizures & decided that we would just continue to monitor her over the next 24 hours. At 13 years of age, there's really not a lot of practical & realistic solutions to a dog that is having major seizures/strokes. However, it was a possibility that it was a one-off seizure, like an epileptic fit. We went to bed at about 12.30/1am & I told David about what I'd learnt from my recent experience with Diggitty - giving your pet the honour & dignity to be allowed to die feeling safe & loved is the best gift you can give them for their years of faithful, unconditional love. Before I went to bed I told Angel four things - I love her, I forgive her, I'm sorry and Thank You. I figured she would either be dead by the morning, or she would be in a better state.

David woke at 5.30am & I woke at the same time. He got out of bed & went straight outside. He came back & asked me to come out too. Angel was having another seizure. Again with the calming voice & stroking. We sat with her after this had passed & we found she'd dragged her paw until it was bleeding with her pacing at night. We also found another site or two, possibly, where she'd had other seizures. It seemed she'd lost the ability to stand up. We discussed what to do, from every possible angle. David truly is one of the world's biggest softies - he really has difficulty hurting any living being, especially to contemplate ending the life of his very own, dedicated & beloved pet dog. He tried every possible angle to escape the reality of the situation.

Throughout the morning we spent time with Angel, helping her through seizures. The girls knew what was going on & both showered Angel with affection in their own small ways. It was difficult as we knew that she may be disoriented & possibly dangerous to them, or distressed by them. As a result the girls were a bit cautious & had to hold back a little with what they did - pats, stroking & a little bit of brushing.

Come 8am, we started trying to get hold of an out of hours vet that would come to us. David wanted a home consult, acknowledging the likelihood of her being euthanised. We didn't want to have to take her to a scarey vet clinic as her last awareness of life. This proved impossible - no-one seems to offer out-of-hours anything, let alone home visits these days.

I took some photos of her. I thought David might think that was silly, however I realised that I don't have any photos of Diggitty since about 4 January this year & that had made me so sad to think I might have missed my last chance with him. I wasn't going to miss this opportunity with Angel. David also gave her a brushing & took out some of her favourite toys to have in the photo with her. I don't think my shots are very good - it was try to take them from ground level. I hope I have a couple of ones in good focus. I also took a little bit of video because of how the breeze played through her coat - I've always loved to just watch that - so pretty.

By 9am, Angel had managed to start to walk around on her own!! She wasn't even dragging her paws. It just amazed me. She even managed to jump up the retaining wall & do all of her own toiletting. Still, she was doing a lot of walking in circles - again a symptom of stroke & tracking along walls, fences, etc. She drank loads & loads of water - she was drinking from the side of the water bowl - stroke symptom. Then she started to find dog bikkies in the grass from dinner last night & eating them up. So David went & got her some ham, then some salami. She enjoyed them. David put the sprinkler on for a little while so she could play under it - & she did go in & out & have a drink as well. She got to do so many of her favourite things just one last time.

10am and she was lying down on the patio again & the convulsions started again. Her poor face - her mouth pulled back into a snarl that wasn't real, her eyes bulging with pain & fear, and her body twisting & turning, fighting every impulse. We knew our answers. David was still holding out for someone to come here, but there just wasn't anyone. He kept saying that once we take her, that's the end. But he knew it was already the end for Angel, he just wanted someone to tell him it wasn't so. I left him outside with her, & organised the kids into clothes & then into the car, locked up the house. Whilst doing this, I saw him sitting on the ground with his dog & Diggitty came over & gave Angel a little sniff & a poke, just like they used to when they'd play together. And then I helped David put her into the car. We had to use a tarpaulin as a stretcher as he couldn't carry her - if she had a seizure, he would have dropped - too dangerous. So we got her safely into the car - she had another seizure. We got one of the dog cushions & put that in to protect her from hurting herself against the cargo barrier.

I drove to the vet slowly. She had no balance & I didn't want her getting hurt going around corners, or when I started/stopped. We made it there safely & I went in to tell the receptionist we were there to have our dog put to sleep. I signed the consent form, she told me our options regarding disposal of her body & I asked if we could have it done in the car. That wasn't a problem. There was one consult ahead of ours & then the vet would come & see us. I paid the money. I did cry a little, but did my best to be strong.

David had moved the car to a shady spot of the carpark. Sasha & Nikita hopped out & we all spent time together with Angel. The girls kissed her again. The vet & nurse came out with their equipment - clippers, a HUGE green needle & maybe a smaller one. We talked about options - just to confirm really that there were no viable options. Sasha & Nikita said goodbye, then David said goodbye. The vet asked me if they should wait for David, but I knew he'd said his goodbyes and trusted me to be with her - his heart was too broken. I told her to go ahead. I saw the needle go in & I wanted to say "WAIT!!!! NO!!", but I didn't. I sat with Angel whilst the vet & nurse gave her her injection. The girls came & looked at one point & then went back to their Dad. Angel was so good. I told her I loved her, we all did. She didn't shudder, she didn't sigh, she just stopped. The vet listened for a heartbeat & then said "she's gone, I'm sorry", which just sounded so stupid & stereotyped - but what else do you say? It was 10.50am - nearly exactly 12 hours since her first seizure.

The vet & nurse went & collected a stretcher to take her away on. We all gave her one last, final & forever cuddle & kiss & they took her away.

On the way home, we stopped at the traffic lights to pass over the freeway & the car ahead of us had rego "1bye ***" & the bus ahead of it had a huge dog advert with the slogan "you want some of this". Talk about ironic.

We spent the rest of the day at home. I still think that I've cried more than anyone else. Every time I come to the computer I leave the office crying. I posted status updates on Facebook since last night & today the responses leave me in tears. I don't feel like talking to anyone about what happened today - maybe because it makes it real. I don't know. Maybe because I can't - I just choke up.

It feels like a bad dream & maybe tomorrow I'll wake up to find Diggitty still has his companion. I wonder how he feels lying out there in the dark on his own. I hope he's not scared.

I don't know what happens to us after we die, but I hope whatever it is, that Angel knows we love her and forgive her her mistakes & can forgive us for our mistakes in return.

The girls seem remarkably unscathed by today's events. I don't think they understand the permanency of Angel's death. It may take a while for them to realise. I can't quite get my head around it!! However they passed the rest of the day by playing tennis in the backyard - something they have not been able to do with Angel here because she is the master ball fiend. Then David filled up the paddling pool & they played for a good few hours in that.

When the pool was emptied, we ran the water onto the patio & David swept up Angel's bloodstains from her paw.

It's amazing how different it feels out there now with only one dog. It just feels emptier. She's left a hole in our family that will never be filled.

Sasha & Nikita were given fairy wishing jars at their respective birthday parties & they've been nagging me forever to leave them out by the light of the moon so that their wishes could come true. I haven't done. "Don't waste your wishes" is one of David's catchcries. Tonight we took David out to a makeshift table in the backyard. David read the story of the Rainbow Bridge & then the girls opened their jars & made their wishes in to the jars. Sasha's wish was that Angel was relaxed and safe. Nikita's wish was that Angel would always know how much we love her. And by the light of the moon, and the strength of the hearts that made those wishes, they must come true.

I took a photo of the sunset. I think it's probably a crap photo. The sun setting on Angel's last day of life. I don't want today to end. After today, Angel died yesterday, then it'll be the day before yesterday, then it'll be 3 days ago, a week, a fortnight, a month, a year. We once had a dog called Angel...etc. People will meet us who never knew Angel. But, as so many things in life are, it is inevitable. We move on, because we cannot stop time. Tonight I relish my pain, my aching heart.

Tomorrow, I will remember the happy times of Angel's life & hopefully the nightmare of her seizures more or less fade to insignificance in comparison to the wonderful times we've all had together.

Rest in peace sweet Angel, you will always be missed by all of us.