My heart is breaking

for my poor old Diggitty Dog. I think tonight may well be his last in our loving home.

We went away camping on Saturday & returned today (Tuesday) to find him vomitting all over the back yard & in a very bad way. He wouldn't eat, wouldn't get up & walk (except to go & spew up somewhere) & didn't drink until late tonight. He seems very thin & frail. He's 12 years old (13 at the very end of this year), so he's getting on.

I know that if he's not greatly improved by tomorrow I will have to make that fateful call to the vet.

In the meantime I've cried & cried & cried, and crying again now. Sasha & Nikita know what's going on & what may have to happen tomorrow, and they've cried too. David seems to think it will all just go away & he'll be fine again by tomorrow. I know there's a very slim chance of that, but considering his age, it seems very unlikely to me.

I'm sad that he's spent the weekend alone & this state, although the lady across the road who was feeding the dogs said that her daughter fell in love with both of the dogs, so maybe he was fine up until today. I don't know. David says he gets depressed when I go away so maybe he's just depressed.

So that's the guts of it. He's old and sick. And tomorrow, if I have to, I will repay him his years of unconditional love by making the hardest of decisions & stay with him and love him one last time as he slips peacefully into oblivion. Give me strength to do what I must & be strong to show him love, not sadness & fear as his last moments on Earth. There's time enough for grieving after he's gone.

Our holiday at Mandalay seems like forever ago, already. We've only been home for 7 hours. Since finding Diggitty in such a bad way, it's been like seeing his life passing again before my eyes. Reliving his life from when he was a sweet little puppy, his fear/aggression towards other dogs, his loving nature to everyone but most especially his family. He adopted Sasha & Nikita so naturally & has always been so patient to their demands. His kisses. His love for Angel - they would play. They had a racetrack at Rockingham & Munster where they would run along the back fencelines, chasing each other & other things. He has such a big dopey grin - his face really smiles when he's happy. He would 'wiggy wag' his tail on command & he learnt to sit, drop, roll over. There's so many memories, it's impossible to recall them all at one moment in time. And then over the past 5 years, since having Sasha & Nikita, he has had to deal with being relegated to pet status & I feel guilty & sad for those lost years with him. He is a true dog though, with his unconditional, undying love. And while he lost so much of my attention in these years, he's since gained two more playmates who adore him dearly, although they largely take him for granted too.

I hope for a miracle tonight & that you are better by the morning & my fears will seem silly. I have hope. If you are still sick & weak & I have to make that impossible decision, I hope that you have had a good & happy life Diggitty, and I hope that you have always felt loved by us. I am sorry for the ways that I have let you down or made you sad. I feel so lucky to have had you for my pet, and I am wealthy beyond measure for the love you have given to me & our family. You have taught me so many things about love & loyalty, and given me many laughs through the years. I will see you in the morning & tonight I will be wishing for a miracle.