He smiled

Right up to the end.
(Photo taken 23 December, prior to vet trip that I thought would be his last - isn't he just a beautiful dog!!).

Today was the day when we had to put Diggitty to sleep at 4.30pm. I'm oscillating between devastation & denial.

David & I had been out celebrating Christiian's 40th last night & were feeling a bit under par today, so I had a sleep on the couch in the afternoon. David had an afternoon sleep & so did Nikita. Sasha entertained herself with her new Nintendo DS & also played some lego.

I dreamt that I had to put Digs down as his stomach was bloated & had a dark red rash like the blood poisoning thing. Anyway I watched as he tried to do a wee & his back legs got lower & lower & eventually he slumped down right after he'd been to do a wee. He rested for a minute & then tried to get up & did a funny waddle to the swings & tried to wee on the leg of the swings. Then he waddled away over to the shady area of the grass near the patio. And rested again for a minute or two. And again, walking a little better, to the shady grass near the trampoline. He lay there, the upright lying, with his head up & a big grin on his face as if he was pleased with his effort.

But I knew this was it. Next he'd be unable to poo properly. He'd been a bit incontinent (wees) since going on the pain killers. But geez it was hard - he was still so happy. He wouldn't drink any water either. Sasha & I put water on our fingers & he licked them to get some moisture. He gave Sasha a kiss on her cheek too.

He smiled all the way to the vet's & even when David took him for once last pee patrol on the bushes outside the vet's. Even though he couldn't stand up. So amazing. He was happy, despite his pain, because he knew he was loved as much as he loved us.

His appetite had really wained in the last 24 hours though. From eating half a chicken for lunch yesterday to refusing dinner & late supper when we got home last night. Today all he ate was a packet of ham & some bacon which David had cooked for breakfast. The rest of the roast chicken has now been thrown away.

Anyway, at the vet's it was a bit frustrating as they were waiting for us, all ready to go & knock off for the day. The girl at reception wasted all my time that I could have spent with Digs by fluffing around instead of getting the payment organised & the consent form signed. I actually had to ask for the consent form before the vet headed outside without me!

We had him attended to in the back of the car as that was a familiar place for him. The first injection didn't go well - it seemed quite painful for him - his leg tensed up & he tried to pull away & then the vein collapsed. He did get a little anaesthetic in that leg which meant he lay down & rested his head. Then the vet had to shave his other leg & try again, and that was it, he was gone in less than a minute. It was peaceful, and like Angel, he didn't shudder or sigh. He did look a bit more 'dead' than Angel did. But I think that's because I looked for it this time. Angel only looked asleep or unconscious. But still he didn't look different. We all gave him one last kiss & cuddle, to last forever.

The girls, Sasha in particular, were a lot more emotional this time. Clinging to my leg & wanting to be there with him too. And crying all the way home. David was strong & patted my back throughout the procedure

I also cut some fur from his mane & it's here in front of me in a zip lock bag. And that's all I have left of my darling Diggitty. I'll miss him so much. Just his presence. His licks & kisses. His beautiful soft fur. His love. He really was a wonderful fellow. So beautiful, gentle, loving, intelligent & calm. A good natured dog. His only vice was his fear aggression for other dogs, and in that I was his protector. It doesn't give me a sense of relief to wonder where he is now, because if he's surrounded by other dogs, I imagine that he's probably not very happy to be there without me to make him feel safe. I hope he's okay. It was an inevitable situation though, & I'd told him last week he needed to be brave & he would be okay.

I knew this week was it for him. The weather's going to be HOT, unbearably hot - 39oC & then thunderstorms. But it's such a shame as well. His 13th birthday is on Wednesday. At least his last day was a happy one, and a lot more comfortable than it would have been later this week.

So that's it. We're now a dog-less family with a big empty backyard. It's going to take a loooong time to recover from this I fear. I felt I'd finally turned a corner with the loss of Angel just a few weeks ago. It's been a very emotionally draining few weeks, yet also a time filled with give the boy back just a little of what he's given us over the past 13 years.

We are going to have a big clean up over the next few weeks & get rid of our dog things. All the good quality stuff will be donated to Shenton Park Dog Home. When we eventually get another dog, quite a few years down the track, we'll get new things.

RIP Diggitty. I hope you are feeling safe & I know that you know how much we love you. Thank you for being my companion.